Sometimes when you’re watching a movie, reading a book, or playing a game, you can’t help but scream. Why would the protagonist do that? Everything would have been so much easier and less dramatic if they had just done one thing differently. In fact, I probably could’ve done better.
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So I decided to envision exactly what that would look like. There are a lot of games out there, and though I would argue that the vast majority are at least competently, if not outright well-written, there are some moments in games, intentional or otherwise, where I felt like, maybe, I would have been just a little bit smarter.
8
Realised I Was A Mold Monster
Resident Evil Village
Resident Evil 7 is what the series needed to give itself a new direction, and so Village was very confident in its first-person action-horror hybrid. And even though Ethan like like little more than a cardboard cut-out in the original, he became, somehow, an actually endearing character in Village.
Though endearing does not mean smart. You see, it takes until almost the very end of the game until Ethan realises he is one of the mold monsters from the Baker home. You would think the magical ability to reattach your hands with a bit of steriliser and being basically impervious would give it away. See, I would have noticed I was made of mold, I like to think, immediately. Hands typically need a bit more surgery to reattach.
7
Helped Bowser And Peach Realise What They Have In Common
Basically Any Mario
In some many Mario games, our titular hero goes off in search of Bowser in hopes of saving Peach. It is a tried-and-true tale that we have seen countless times over the decades. And as we have also seen, Peach is typically very capable of saving yourself. It’s tradition at this point, a game of cat-and-mouse.
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If I was Mario? No more chasing. This is all an act, a way of getting Mario’s attention. After all these years, they should just tell each other how they really feel. The chase was fun, but a life together could be even better. Leave Peach out of this as a middleman. I’d get with Boswer, basically. The suits are already there for the wedding.
6
Told My Son I Love Him
God Of War
Look, I’m not strictly criticising the 2018 God of War for its direction with Kratos. He is a character defined by his rage and inability to actually process emotions. Having him come to terms with actually having a child and how to be a role model for him is very cool. But I can only see him reach out his hand to embrace his son before dragging it away again with uncertainty. It’s touching the first time, not the fifth and sixth.
Me? I am not emotionally stunted. Sure, I am not the literal God of War, either, but my emotional strength definitely surpasses Kratos. So I would have told Atreus, as his parent, that I loved him. I feel like a lot of angst and some Norse-myth related shenanigans could have been avoided with a sit-down and some mature conversations, and maybe a little crying.
5
Not Kill My Wife
Silent Hill 2
rAs it stands at the moment, I quite like my partner. I’d even go so far as to say I love them. I remember the things they like, the places we visit as a couple, and so on. There’s some hard work involved, and there are the odd down moments, but it’s a pretty sturdy relationship I like to think. Nothing that would ever have us drawn to Silent Hill for a weekend getaway at any rate.
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So if I was in James’ shoes, the events of Silent Hill 2 would never have happened. Why? Well I wouldn’t have killed my wife, to start. Typically that’s like the worst possible thing you can do regardless of the situation. And so James ended up in Silent Hill filled with perverse monsters and even conjured up another woman to manifest his fears and desires. Not me. I have a clear conscience and a loving view of my loved one. That’s part of the whole ‘in sickness and in health’ thing.
4
Told Everyone I Found Zelda
Tears Of The Kingdom
In Breath of the Wild, Link awakens to a Hyrule slowing rebuilding itself from the calamity that still looms over the nation. The story, overall, is light with most of it focused on singular areas that all lead to the ultimate defeat of Calamity Ganon. In Tears of the Kingdom, Hyrule has had time to rebuild properly, and the world is bustling and changing. And with that came a more curated story.
Though curated as it was, it was not always linear, either. In fact, Link could discover the faith of Zelda quite early on and locate her. Except he, um, doesn’t tell anyone else. They report sightings of her, take about the necessity of her recovery and Link just…stands there. Stoic as ever. I would not have done that. I would have said ‘hey, I actually found Zelda. She’s a dragon now’. Would anyone believe me? Who knows, but it’s better than being an even more silent than usual protagonist.
3
Wrote A Better Story
Alan Wake
Alan Wake, overall, seems like a decent guy. I’m not going to call him a nice guy, he definitely had a lot of anger issues, though you can temper that a bit with how much he was swarmed by paparazzi. It wasn’t anything worthy of being trapped in the Dark Place. A bit too literally evil for a man who was otherwise quite mundane. And yes, Alan Wake was absolutely a mundane writer.
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If you’ve picked up any of his manuscripts, in the original especially, you’d know that Alan’s are absolutely a cliché-fest. Yes, I know the Dark Place demands consistency and rewrites the story, too. But surely you can mess with the rules a little bit? The whole point of writing is that you can write anything! There doesn’t need to be a loop, a spiral, a sacrifice. We have plenty of happy endings. And I would have written exactly that. And then everyone lived happily ever after.
2
Not Been Corrupted By A Ring Of Power
Middle-Earth: Shadow of War
Talion is, for all intents and purposes, just a dude. He was important in that he was a ranger of Gondor, though he wasn’t particularly special in that regard otherwise. He just so happened to be the one that Celebrimbor chose. And despite their differences (and Celebrimbor’s ego especially), the duo did a good job in the original game. Not so much in the sequel.
You would think being a ranger of Gondor that Talion would have been better at detecting a threat. And Celebrimbor was the most obvious red flag in existence. The man was obviously just looking for power of his own. And to his credit, Talion did survive through the use of Isildur’s ring for quite a while. But honestly, I would’ve done even better. Oh, the ring is finally turning me into a loyal Nazgul? I would’ve just taken it off and died a true death, no serving Sauron here.
1
Saved Aerith
Final Fantasy 7
In what is often seen as one of the most impactful moments in gaming, Aerith’s death in the original is a pivotal moment. A showcase of the strength of storytelling in gaming, and the catalyst that shifts the focus of the entire journey in Final Fantasy 7. It’s an important event, one that needed to happen. However, emotions as very strong, and so many us, selfishly, want Aerith to live forever.
And of course, I could have saved her. You see, I am built different from Cloud, quite literally. He’s a Sephiroth clone. I am not. Therefore, no need for a grand reunion or Sephiroth’s mind tricks. I would have just saved Aerith before his sword could meet her. It’s really that easy. Maybe if Cloud wasn’t having an endless identity crisis, this could all have been avoided.
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